


Sebastian/Everyone

by thaliaarche



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drabble, Drabble Collection, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Het, M/M, Multi, Non-Explicit Sex, Slash, Wordcount: 100, Wordcount: 200, Wordcount: 300
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-24 08:54:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6148241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaliaarche/pseuds/thaliaarche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the ships you wanted to see, and all the ones you didn't!</p><p>Or, as Roturier so eloquently put it, "Sebastian 'Sees to' Everyone Who Fails to Get Out The Road Fast Enough, Including the Cat."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Madame Red

Sebastian takes one look at butler and mistress, at Grell Sutcliff and Madam Red, and he discerns death. The human, in particular, hides darkness under her sparkling facade. She is a flame— red with rage, rapidly burning itself out.

When she refuses to disguise her lust— a less demonic butler would accuse her of harassment— he acquiesces, each knowing full well that they might attempt to kill the other the next day. As they bury themselves in ivory skin and red or raven hair, he hears her repeating a word, loosely formed, ripped out by each gasp.

“Vincent, Vincent, Vincent . . .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my opinion, Sebastian (especially in the early days of the contract) looked quite a bit like Vincent, but this chapter should work even if you don't agree.
> 
> The "refused to disguise her lust" line is inspired by this page: http://www.kuroshitsuji.org/6/08/


	2. Agni

Even while preparing a dish of his own, Sebastian steals glances at that butler. Agni whirls around the kitchen, grinding cinnamon, sprinkling turmeric. He adds water and mixes by hand, kneading them into a paste that he then fries. His limbs move by an artless grace, a magnificent imprecision a demon can only ever imitate . . .

“Could you give me your opinion?” The other butler’s voice, rich and low, cuts into his thoughts.

Sebastian dips a spoon into Agni’s pan and licks it. The flavors of the spice mean nothing to him . . . But the flavors of Agni’s hands still linger.

“Delicious.”


	3. Bard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads-up: This chapter depicts smoking.

In the kitchen, Bard watches Sebastian repair the freshly exploded stove and smokes his cigarette.

“Want a puff, Mister Sebastian?”

“I’ve never smoked,” Sebastian replies. “It would irritate the young master’s asthma.”

“Nah,” Bard shrugs. “Washing out smoke’s a hell of a lot easier than fixing that stove.”

“True,” Sebastian considers. “Might I?”

Bard hands him the cigarette, and Sebastian breathes the scorching, smoky poison deep, straight into his lungs. A moment later, he exhales with “O”-shaped lips, creating a perfect smoke ring.

“Whoa,” Bard sputters, “you’re good for a first-timer!”

Sebastian smiles nostalgically. “It reminds me of home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bard tries to convince Sebastian that smoking is actually a very healthy habit for humans. Sebastian is amused.


	4. Lau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads-up: This chapter depicts drug use.

Sebastian enters the East End’s greatest opium den, slipping into a dreamlike fog. The haze hangs over rows of beds where addicts sprawl, eyes clouded and drifting, limbs lolling on teal cushions and Tyrian purple sheets. At the center, Lau reclines on his side, like a prince.

“You return once again,” the dealer sets aside his pipe and rises to greet his visitor. “Did you take pleasure from the little cheongsam I sent Ciel?”

“Have I a taste for such deviance?”

“Oh, you devil." Lau falls to his knees before Sebastian. There, amidst so many other debauched bodies, he worships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "cheongsam" line refers to this page: http://www.kuroshitsuji.org/43/05/


	5. Mei-Rin

Yet another Shinigami is meddling, this time emotionally compromising a Phantomhive staff member with just a wink—

And so, when a ladder wobbles by the china cabinet, Sebastian lets Mei-Rin fall.

He saunters downstairs, notices her tumbled on the ground, and— after quickly checking that her talented arms and eyes are unharmed— gasps dramatically and finally rushes to her aid. Donning his best worried expression, he urges her not to worry about having shattered Ciel’s finest teapot and then fetches bandages, insisting that he treat her cut shin. Glove brushes skin, girlish cheeks flush—

And Ronald Knox is forever forgotten.


	6. Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cats catenated to Catullus.

“You accuse me with your stare, my love, and indeed I met another beauty on this last mission. I could not restrain myself from caressing his soft, muscular limbs— I am what I am. Lately, my heart has wandered . . ."

"But my master is your greatest threat, you know. His very body rebels at the sight of you. Around you, he weeps shuddering tears, and sneezes uncontrollably . . . Cruel tyrant that he is, he would have me banish you from his manor. But, where you are concerned, I will not be oppressed by his whims. Let us live, my cat, and love . . .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Latin nerds among you may recognize that "Let us live, my cat, and love" is a parody of Cat. 5's opening-- "vivamus, mea Lesbia, atque amemus," a very famous line in the history of love poetry.


	7. Shinigami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because why not?

The Shinigami are still meddling, so Sebastian meddles back. He pounces onto Ronald’s lawnmower mid-battle, grabs onto dirty-blond curls, kisses him full on the mouth, and escapes as Grell attacks her coworker.

For Undertaker, he follows their long-established custom, easily doffing the butler aesthetic to instead act out every salacious demon stereotype. Things go further this time, and Sebastian would be insulted by how much Undertaker laughed if he wasn’t earning so much information.

He seduces William to coax out additional secrets but leaves empty-handed. Under Will's prim, diligent facade, there lies no imperfection, no spark of spontaneity at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Kuro Positivity Day!
> 
> If you happen to follow my work, you may be interested to know that I just joined fanfiction.net under the same username I use here, thaliaarche. However, I plan to always post my fics here at the same time or before I move them there (*if* I ever move them there), because AO3 is my true love!


	8. Druitt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel wanted Druitt distracted. Druitt wanted Sebastian.

Ciel wanted Druitt distracted. Druitt wanted Sebastian.

And so Sebastian found himself on purple satin sheets doused with rosewater, lying on his back as the Viscount slobbered on his mouth.

“Ah, your skin is pale and smooth as a girl's," Druitt gave a sigh stinking with Merlot. "Your locks are soft like a lady's," he murmured, now scratching at Sebastian's hair. "And I’d gamble that only a virgin could compete with your—"

"Sweet hell, would you stop overcompensating?" Hearing his master call, Sebastian pushed the half-drunk would-be seducer to the floor, never before so grateful for one of Ciel's summonses.


	9. Grell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel purchased a reaper’s services.

Ciel purchased a reaper’s services; thus, Sebastian found Grell in a too-sheer nightgown— in his bed.

“Mmm,” she purred, “we’re hurling towards our climax—”

“Hurling,’ indeed.”

“Sebby—” She suddenly frowned. “Don’t you want this at all?”

“No.”

Grell flinched. “Yet I’d be foolish not to use you tonight.”

“Indeed,” he muttered, unbuttoning his shirt.

“Ugh, keep your clothes on,” she sighed. “You’re playing a butler, right? Well, I want an all-night dessert feast. Cakes, mousses, truffles—”

He raised his eyes, daring to hope—

“With cream everywhere.”

“You couldn’t resist,” he tutted, hiding his smile as they relocated to the kitchen.


	10. Abberline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what this is.

When the Phantomhive boy, walking symbol of law turned evil, first breezed onto a murder scene, he was dragging that butler behind him . . . And Abberline collapsed into stuttering adoration. How could a man like that— so implausibly graceful, so radiantly pure— ever fall into Phantomhive’s trap?

Abberline believed in redemption. And so he decided to become a role model, a beacon of hope for that hapless butler. Yes, he’ll champion true justice, standing up to the earl and his shady methods, spurning the bribes that cruel boy forced Sebastian to offer.

He’ll rescue Sebastian from Ciel, from corruption, from damnation.


	11. Charles & Charles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two butlers are better than one, yet three are better than two.

Ciel visits the palace, and Sebastian accompanies him, muttering about the dust here, the cobwebs there.

He prowls the palace again that night, searching out clues, secrets, anything of use to Ciel. Indeed, he discovers the finest of blackmail material— the queen’s butlers kissing in the kitchen, Grey tugging at Phipps’ platinum curls, Phipps stroking Grey’s lacy shirt. Sebastian watches, spellbound by such decadence—

Suddenly there is a sword at his throat.

"Looking to blackmail us?" Grey hisses.

Sebastian casts about for another explanation— ah, of course. "Actually, I rather hoped to join you."

He'll never criticize their hospitality again.


	12. Frances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little surprised this ship isn't more popular.

Sebastian never expected the ball to go smoothly— Ciel’s dancing would make sure of that. But he hadn’t expected the falling chandelier. Or the vampire attack . . .

“This nonsense again?” Ciel snaps. “Sebastian, destroy them all.”

“I hate to disappoint,” Sebastian sighs, “but even I cannot take them on alone  . . .”

“Can you take them on with help?” Frances Midford strides in, golden hair mussed, ball gown ripped, eyes flashing, a sword glimmering in each hand. Sebastian realizes the blades are of magical make— she must have pried them from vampiric corpses.

He grins at the sight. “But of course, my lady.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The previous drabbles sped through canon, and we are now firmly in the future. The next drabbles occur several years after the current "Sphere Music Hall" arc.


	13. Sieglinde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For science!

At Ciel’s orders, Sebastian dashes around past midnight to assist Sieglinde, fetching new slides, measuring chemicals (“I am one hell of a dropper,” he boasts).

Peering into the microscope, she murmurs, “I still want to test you.”

This is now an old game between them. “I am afraid I belong to my master, fabulous DNA and all. Won’t you take Finny as your lab rat instead?”

“You know full well he’s not the one I want,” she waggles her shoulders, voice teasingly suggestive. He shakes his head, chuckling.

And so the demon and the witch work late into the night.


	14. Lizzie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lizzie and Ciel are married, and things are . . . interesting.

Ciel storms from the dance, leaving Lizzie distraught in the grand hall of Phantomhive Manor.

Without looking, she feels Sebastian beside her.

"I arranged the ball beautifully, didn't I?"

"You know you did, my lady."

"And I was helpful. I invited everyone he needed to spy on . . ."

"Actually, _that_ is why he is upset. One of his deals just crumbled . . ."

"You're not a good enough liar, Sebastian, but I thank you for trying.” Elizabeth swallows tears and raises her chin, donning the hostess aesthetic once again. "Tend to the refreshment table— Earl Grey entirely decimated the meringues."

"Yes— my lady."


	15. Nina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nina needs some convincing.

Nina glances at that butler, striding into her shop, and huffs. "I'm not taking Ciel as a client again."

"Yet you are the finest and most discreet tailor living," Sebastian sighs. “Won’t you please reconsider?"

"He's not as cute now, and—"

"And?"

"And I couldn’t stand your hostility anymore, Michaelis."

Sebastian frowned, considered, then smirked. "You misunderstood."

"I doubt it.”

"You did," Sebastian's voice was suddenly higher, richer, a deep contralto, and he unbuttoned his black tailcoat, revealing slight yet recognizably feminine curves under his white, button-up shirt. As she stared, he murmured, "Dear Nina, you misunderstood my 'hostility' entirely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine that 1.) Sebastian's voice is higher than in the anime and 2.) he's got shapeshifting abilities available to him on-demand.


	16. Finnian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Utter innocence.

Springtime. Finny has grown, and the chemicals that had strengthened his muscles strengthen other impulses besides.

And so, he tears through the manor one day, dashing to that butler.

“What did you break this time—” Sebastian begins, when— SMACK— Finny crashes into him and gives him a crushing kiss.

Shocked, then amused, Sebastian doesn’t pull away. He tastes fresh, spring air on his gardener’s breath and smelled upturned earth and budding flowers on his muddy clothes. He raises one hand to stroke the sunny blond hair, another to cup a ruddy cheek, laughing against Finny’s innocent— albeit murderously strong— lips.


	17. Victoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Utter depravity.

Ciel’s crimes are too egregious to stay unpunished, yet _he_ seems too useful to eliminate. Thus, Sebastian finds himself summoned to hear the Queen’s sentence — execution, he already knows. He is tempted to yield, simply to spook Ciel for a day before reappearing at the Manor, newly disguised. Yet this Queen, head of the most hypocritically moralizing society Sebastian has seen since heaven, also needs a fright . . .

Now, he reads the statement that Ciel has written for him, pretending to stammer, pretending that he hasn’t memorized every contour of his master’s every word. “Yo-your Majesty, I am honored to be in your presence . . .”

_And you are honored to be in mine._

“The Watchdog seeks to fulfill your every desire . . .”

_Yes, fake queen, fill yourself with desire._

While Sebastian Michaelis stutters and stumbles, the demon underneath flaunts its full charisma at this helpless, human soul. It hypnotizes, tantalizes. It smells her befuddlement, then her interest, then her adoration, soul struggling to suppress its desire . . .

"How the hell did she let you off?" Ciel gapes that afternoon. "I was looking forward to your hanging!"

"But young master," Sebastian smirks, "how could I be a demon if I would not do this much?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're worried, this relationship doesn't get consummated. That's a little too messed up, even for this series.
> 
> In other news, I started posting a Winter Olympics!ice-skating!Sebaciel AU called "Precipice." I'm really excited about it! You might want to go read it if you like ice skating! I hope it's not awful!
> 
> And finally, the really big news . . . This series is nearly done. Only one chapter to go.


	18. Ciel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel is curious.

“Sebastian,” Ciel murmurs, “why was Lau’s new woman tittering at you all afternoon?”

“She considers me charming, no doubt.”

The earl snorts. “But why evade her glances so scrupulously? I’d expect a demon to revel in her attention.” His eyes narrow. “What is your relationship to her?”

“I saw her today.”

“And what else?”

Sebastian, suddenly engrossed in dusting a vase, mutters, “We had an affair.”

“You . . .” He drops his face into his hands. “Are there any other affairs you’ve conducted under my nose?”

“Young master . . .”

Ciel groans. “Full list, _now_.”

“Madame Red, Lau, assorted employees of Lau, Charles Phipps, Charles Grey, Ms. Hopkins, Undertaker, some police officers, Mr. Spears . . ."

Ciel’s eyes bug out as the list grows. Even when his demon runs out of liasons . . .

"You’ll question me further and learn that I also threw myself at Queen Victoria, though that resulted in nothing but my pardon and extremely quick dismissal . . ."

Ciel gags.

“Moreover, I flirted with Agni, Knox and Mei-Rin, Finny flirted with me, and Sieglinde and I flirt with each other. I’ve relationships that defy classification with Druitt and both Ladies Midford, and . . . Young master, you look quite sick."

Indeed, Ciel has slumped over and planted his face against the desk. "Sebastian, is such philandering quite typical for you?"

“It is for other demons . . .” Sebastian frowns, “But not for me. Recently, my instincts have been compelling me towards flirtation when carrying out my goals, even when less seductive methods would do.”

“And is there a reason for this compulsion?”

“What reason . . .” He trails off as his brilliant young master raises his head, already guessing the answer, smiling devilishly. Ah, Sebastian is the grand manipulator of other hearts— how could it take him so long to realize his own desire?

He grins and says simply, “Yes, my lord.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo-hoo! I'm done torturing this fandom with NOTP shipfics!
> 
> For now.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feed the writer with kudos and comments :-)
> 
> Edited to add: You can reach me on tumblr at [thaliaarche.tumblr.com](https://thaliaarche.tumblr.com/)!


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